Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
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what kind of cook setting is this??
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I’m a bad influence on myself.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Go hard or stay average
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.