Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”