Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[eulogy]
line?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?