Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
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*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Basically.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.