It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
You Might Also Like
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*