If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
this is the greatest thing ever
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.