IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.