Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?