brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy