[the middle of showering] I need a break
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses