doing some research
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me adding lol on a serious message
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.