[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
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“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
plums roundup
Saturday
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.