My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.