ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.