The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
You Might Also Like
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
🤣dope
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.