If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?