All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
TRAIN’S HERE
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?