Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
what day is it?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.