i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
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A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”