Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
reduce, reuse, recycle
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I can also cook 😂
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My Guy