Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
You Might Also Like
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you