The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit