People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad