Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
You Might Also Like
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
barbara was highly relatable
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Worth remembering.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.