Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?