“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.