I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.