Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”