*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
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“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.