Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
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SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance