I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
My purse is deeper than some people.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?