I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
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I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Every time.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter