Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
You Might Also Like
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Okay, I’m still confused…
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.