god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
#ParentingFacts
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”