I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I want to meet the individual who made this
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
why isn’t he texting back
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS