Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich