Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Hotels are back
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Basically.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Oh the world we live in…
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.