asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good