4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*