An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
You Might Also Like
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Every work meeting this week
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*