Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online