you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
This is my bus stop.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.