Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.