Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Pizza is an emotion right?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Um … Hot Wings please
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days