I think my mom just blocked me
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*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut