Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
The “research” scene in every horror movie