In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Never be a pizza!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
i hope my email finds you on fire
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.