Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
You Might Also Like
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once