if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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Ah yes. The three genders
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.