When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
When does CPR become necrophilia?